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Great Sex: Where do you find it?

Last week I told you that I want you to have great sex. Sex where you were able to bring the whole of who you are – body, heart, and soul- and be free. Sex where you don’t have to compartmentalize your emotions from your body, where you don’t worry about what will happen the next morning, or wonder if that condom really protected you.

That kind of sex doesn’t come easy. It’s going to cost you, as anything worth having usually does.

It’s going to cost you by having to pass up opportunities for physically easy sex because it fails to deliver emotionally.

It’s going to cost you time in having to let a relationship grow and develop to a point of real commitment before engaging in sexual activity.

It’s going to require patience, perseverance, and self-control.

It’s going to require sacrificing what you want in the moment for what you want most.

A relationship where we can experience great sex is one where we first can trust completely, knowing we are safe in the arms of one who has committed to stand by us for the rest of our days. It is not a commitment based on smooth words whispered in dark corners or excessive pronouncements made in momentary fits of passion.

It is a commitment forged by time, tested by adversity, and sealed with a vow.

In this one relationship, we are safe to express our insecurities, to be honest about our past, to expose the broken, ugly, and wounded parts of our soul and find the acceptance we crave.

In today’s world, this kind of relationship may seem an impossible dream, the illusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I assure you that no matter where you have come from, what you have done, what your family is like or the scars you carry from past relationships, this relationship is possible.

But it will cost you. It does not come easy, and you cannot cut corners to try and create an imitation.

Building ninety percent of a bridge may be close to the real thing, but it still fails to deliver complete safety and security and it will not serve its intended purpose.

In the same way, when a couple moves in together, their relationship seems to bear many of the same traits of a married couple. They set up a home, share household responsibilities, incomes, and begin to forge a life under one roof.

Yet by choosing to move in rather than get married, each individual subconsciously has one foot in the relationship and one foot out. Neither one of them is completely committed to the future permanency of the relationship. If they were, then why not get married? As I pointed out here, moving in with someone is really saying, “I love you,” with an asterisk.

Instinctively, we understand that marriage is something more significant than a piece of paper. You don’t make a vow with your best friend to be there in spite of how sick or poor each of you may become, until death separates you from each other. Neither do you go through a ceremony to commit your life to whomever you happen to be dating at the time.

Marriage is different.

It is the real deal, the authentic relationship we are craving wherein we are finally free to expose ourselves emotionally and physically and find safety and acceptance. And it actually does make a difference in that relationship when we choose to postpone good sex now for great sex later.

The Economist cited a study from the * Journal of Family Psychology* that found that couples who postponed sex until after their wedding scored higher on four indicators of relational stability compared to those who did not wait. These measures were Communication, Sexual Quality, Relationship Satisfaction, and Perceived Stability of the relationship.

I’m not guaranteeing that sex will always be great in your marriage, or that waiting now will mean you never face struggles or challenges later.

Even the best relationships have valleys and deserts. But by focusing first on building the relationship and developing a holistic, healthy understanding of sex, you’ll then have created the best context for freely giving of your heart and body without reservation or concern.

That’s a recipe for great sex.

Is it worth it to you? Where do you think great sex can best be found?

Photo courtesy of Hobbes vs Boyle via flickr

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